Ephemeral Friend

Today, I cried while thinking of you.
I wish it wasn’t true, but this is not the first time.
I don’t think of you every day anymore, not like I used to.
Part of you still lingers though, like a stain that just won’t come out.

Okay, that’s unfair.
You’re not a stain.
And even if you were, you’d probably be on a beloved piece of clothing that I don’t want to get rid of, so I wear a sweater or scarf or something over top to hide the stain just so.

It drives me crazy that I still think of you.
Some days, I get angry with myself for letting you back in.
I ask myself HOW and WHY our barely-three-month friendship could possibly have impacted me so deeply that, almost a year later, I can still be brought to tears.

And then I wonder why we even reconnected after so much time apart?
Why did we reappear in each other’s lives at that moment?
How could it have felt like something that would last forever when it wound up being so heartbreakingly ephemeral?

I remember being so nervous when you initially reached out.
I recall the strange mixture of excitement and perplexity when you suggested we chat.
You saw that I had been posting about Tarot and you shared that interest, sure, but what else would we possibly have to talk about, to find common ground with?

Turns out, a lot.
Tarot. Astrology. Friendship. Boundaries. Letting go. The environment. The Moon. Veganism. The winter blues. Hopes. Fears. Dreams. Goals. Depression. Evolution.

Though we only spoke for those barely-three-months, we spoke about a great deal.
We shared so much.
The magic of that first phone call lifted the spell of nervousness.
I felt like I could tell you anything; I did tell you many things.

You lifted me up when I was down.
You gave me the courage and confidence I needed when I doubted myself.
You shifted my perspective on so much and reaffirmed what I already felt was true.
I hope, a deep within my bones and Soul kind of hope, that I did the same for you.

Spiritual Sponsors.
That’s what we became to each other.
I remember we had such a good laugh when coming up with that name.
We knew it meant we could be trusted to fill each other’s cups when our own internal sources weren’t flowing.

I thought it was just the beginning of something.
Something so radically different from what I had known.
Little did I know, by that time, we were already so close to our end.

That weekend when we didn’t talk, I just knew something had changed.
I could feel that something had shifted.
I told myself I was being silly.
That we were both just busy, and that, just as Sunday is inevitably followed by Monday, just as the Sun will always rise after the Moon, we would be back to normal soon.

That was an early lesson in trusting my intuition.
Before the weekend ended, you expressed your need to move on from our bond.
You had come to the realization that our friendship was no longer in alignment.
We would act as each other’s Spiritual Sponsor no more.

It was devastating.
It was all-consuming.
It was crushing.
It was confusing.

What had brought you to this point?
What had changed within you?
Had something changed within me?
Had I done something so wrong that I couldn’t possibly make it right?

I cried.
For days.
I felt lost when I lost you.

I struggled to share our story with more than a few people.
I was embarrassed.
I didn’t know how to express the pain.
I felt like an idiot for feeling so deeply about such a fleeting relationship.
How could anyone possibly understand what I could barely make sense of?

I was never angry with you, though.
I respected your boundaries.
I respected your decision, even if I spent days wishing you’d reverse it.

I’ve come to terms with the fact I’ll never know why you went away.
It’s not for me to know and was never my place to ask.
You must walk your own path, as I must walk mine.
I thought they’d run parallel, though; I didn’t anticipate this giant fork in between.

What I struggled with the most was the why.
What was the purpose, the lessons, the gifts of our transient time together?
It has to have meant something.
How could it have marked me so deeply if it didn’t?

Today, I cried while thinking of you.
Because I think I finally know the answers.
I think I finally understand what you came to teach me.
You showed me just how deep a friendship can be.

You showed me just how deep a connection can dive.
You opened my eyes to the vast possibilities of friendship.
You helped me to redefine what I value in my relationships.
You encouraged me to ask the Universe for more, for better.

And the Universe has answered that call.
It’s taken a lot of growth on my part.
I’ve had to rediscover a magic within me that’s lain dormant for too long.
But now, I’m cultivating bonds I never thought possible.

So, thank you.
Thank you for opening me up.
Thank you for filling me up.
Thank you for showing me I could do that all on my own, too.
Thank you for your transitory reappearance in my life.

Today, I cried while thinking of you.
I wish it wasn’t true, but it was different this time.
This time, my tears were filled with appreciation and awareness.
I will never forget the ways you changed my world.
But I’m finally ready to let you go.

2 Comments Add yours

    1. jasminlila says:

      Thank you!


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